There’s no way to stop it. Many of the tourists and out of towners are the worst thing to happen to Seattle sidewalks since pee. Sure, we like them here (well, not the pee). By all means, spend your money. All of it. But damn…learn to walk, you ball-capped, Ugg-footed IHOP monkeys. We have business to do.
Important business.
They walk slow. Like they don’t even care that they’re about to miss the Nickelback concert they drove down here for. They clump into groups and make everyone squeeze by them. It brings back memories of the halls in high school except with more drugs around and instead of getting “canned” you step on used syringes.
Hey, I mean, they’re just going to get into their car to head back to Newcastle and yell the same stuff to you that youre thinking about yelling at them. They’re just getting their revenge.
Anywaysssss…here’s a nice little field guide with some common sidewalk types you should look out for. Because sidewalk accidents make you lose, like 10,000 cool points:
The Gawker
No, “The Gawker” is not a snarky Manhattan based gossip website. The Gawker is in complete awe of everything he’s seeing today. “Look at that! Now look at that! Oh! Look how tall that building is! Hey that building wasn’t here last time! Hey theres that market with the salmons!”
This guy just said all these stupid things in the middle of the sidewalk but only managed to take like ten steps. The steps of a small insect. Because the sidewalk is his personal observation deck. Beware of this one. He’s the kind of guy that’s the last to cover his head when someone yells “heads up!”
The Kamikaze
This genius is a bit like the Gawker except he is walking at ludicrous speed. Extra points if he’s swerving. He’s hauling it down the sidewalk WHILE hes gawking. This is a dangerous person to meet on a sidewalk. He’s like a six year old on ecstasy driving a car through Disneyland.
The One-Man Group
Somehow as if by some miraculous act of God, this guy is actually managing to take up the entire sidewalk by himself. The sidewalk is about 6 to 15 feet wide (I think) but no matter which side you go to pass him, he will move to that side. You just give up after a while and slow do to “snail pace” like he wants you to do. How does he know you’re there? Is he using a very tiny rear-view mirror? What is he trying to make you late for? These are truly vexing questions that you will learn when you are ready to accept them.
The Street Sweeper
This is not a one man operation. This requires stupidity in numbers. Like Tacoma. This line formation usually consists of the “girlfriends” in the middle with the guys on the fringes looking bored. They own the sidewalk with their quick moving line that wipes out anything in its path. They look like a cold front made out of obliviousness instead of clouds. Everyone in their path will be destroyed. Just duck and cover if its too late to get out of their way. It worked for the NYC subway hero.
The Mothership w/Missile
This is another group effort. From afar they are a stationary group of about 5 or 6 people, standing to the side. No problem. But don’t get too comfortable because one of them has something up his sleeve. He’s going to dart out backwards right into you when you’re walking by, most likely after one of them says something “funny” and he will take those fateful steps backwards probably yelling something overly-intelligent like “OHHHHHHH!!!!” …and you will be screwed if you don’t have good reflexes. If its icey out, you and him will become one.
The Button Hook
Like the offensive football play, this one is tricky. You don’t see it coming. This is the idiot that is walking in front of you and decides he wants to go back the other way. He’ll pull a pivot and slam right into you. Theres not much you can do about this one. Just hope its a supermodel in front of you and not some fat guy from Cleveland in a tank top. That would require a chemical shower.
The Impenetrable Ring of Death
You are not allowed to walk through them. You must go around, possibly causing you death-by-taxi. This formation is when 10 suburbanites get in a nine foot wide circle taking up the entire width of the sidewalk so they can talk about how much they just ate at the Cheesecake Factory. Maybe they wouldn’t be so much of a roadblock if they didn’t eat there.
The Friggin’ Kids
Seriously, you kids. What are you always chasing that always ends up being under my feet no matter what? Are you on an obstacle course where the directions read “Step 4: run into some legs”?
The Flyin’ Blind
This is every tourist ever. They need some props to pull this one off. You need a bouquet of flowers from Pike Place Market in front of your face. Then you walk. Just walk in a straight line. The world is your stupid oyster. This person is probably walking like Captain Hook told them to walk the plank but gave them some flowers as a parting gift. Except they don’t get eaten by sharks. Although they would if you turned them around and led them to the waterfront.
The Where the **** Did You Come From?
This one is certainly a dangerous pedestrian. This is the idiot that took 5 tries to pass his driving test because he didnt look both ways before pulling onto the road. Except now he’s doing it as he’s walking out of Urban Outfitters at light speed, ready to take down the world. And you. It will be a horrible explosion of cheap Nike Dunks and crappy overpriced tee shirts if you run into him.
